Matthew Mullis
(1987-2006)
Memorial website in the memory of your loved one
Tributes and Condolences
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My view  / Mom I. Love You (Mom)  Read >>
My view  / Mom I. Love You (Mom)
The Dark Day's Holding against me what I can not change. This mothers view. It could not be more true "the ones you love so much do hurt the deepest". I woke up one morning to find my life unrepairable. It felt as though someone had reached inside my chest and physically removed half of my heart with a grip I can not describe. For years now I have struggled to maintain some kind of salinity. Looked for answers everywhere imaginable. Gotten down on my knees more times than I can count. Said countless prayers. Walked to the alter Sunday a after Sunday, my baby in tow. And yes what the preacher says is true because every time I stand up to make my way back to my seat, I lean over and I pick my baby back up and I carry him with me to my seat. I'm his mother I can't leave him there I need him with me. I want him with me. Leaving him would go against every grain in my body. Mommas dont leave their babies. That's what I was taught and that is what I believe. I will carry him with me until the day that I die. No one judges me as hard as I do. I have failed at the one thing that meant the most. I failed as a mother. It can't be undone. Everyone I meet looks at me the same way. How could I have allowed that to happen. If their child were to die they could die, but yet I'm living how can that be? They judge and they analyze. Placing my life into their neat little compartments. Rationalizing my behavior and thinking that they are able to second guess what or how I must be thinking. My family now only sees the rawness within me and I'm trapped in a life that is killing me. I have no one I can talk to no one to turn to. No one can handle knowing the truth about how I feel. It becomes an intimate hell I'm not allowed to share. Do they not know what I would give to be able to live again. I love happiness, I love to smile and laugh. I search for those simple smile things everyday. "Life" I wonder what exactly does that mean? From where I am now standing it seems like a figment of everyone's imagination. Fake laughter and perception makes everyone think they are happy. It once made me happy too. To bury a child is the only dearth one can experience that society can't except. People are so afraid that in trying to understand how someone feels that they too might have to experience what they know must be; it has to be the worst pain one can feel. So they justify and rationalize every reason possiblity to avoid, abandoned everyone that is cursed with the death of a child. They feel sorry for you but only when speaking of you to others. But they never allow themselves for a moment to feel what you do. You becone an outsider. Grieving patents not only lose their identity they lose life they are no longer seen as an acceptable part of existing human life. I do understand. I was once no different. When ever I heard of someone that lost their child. I would feel bad for them but only from a distance. I wouldn't allow myself to try and understand the depth of their pain. Fearful enough to know I didn't want to feel what I could only not imagine! What I was certain was only truly hell. I have frequently thought about my heartless reaction to others that before me have lost a child. I feel sure that they too have thought about how they too reacted. That's the thing about losing a child life from the very moment is seperated for the parent. Life is the before and the after. Cut and dry! And no matter what you do or how hard you try you can never rejoin the world. You forever are seen differently. The scarlet letter sewen upon your chest. Matthews momma the dead kid. Most popular boy in school. Everyone loved him. His mom failed to keep him safe. I have two children and even though I love them both equally even the living child can longer look at me the same. The bitter grief experienced early on changes it all. You try so hard to hold on to them all while in reality your pushing them away. If like me and you only have one to hold on too. It's even worse because they have no one else to push you on to. They feel resentment that they are now left to carry you as a burden all on their on. They look at you no longer as their momma. Grief has already taken her. They lost it all their sibling and their parent. Twelve years into child loss and the walls are caving in. The only happiness is time with grandchildren. They are the only ones capable of seeing you as you. My daughter gave birth to two more children after Matthew died and in the beginning I could not understand why. Now they are the light in my heart. Pure joy! We laugh together and play together. They look at me and they see their mommaw, nothing more nothing less. They aren't afraid of catching my disease, they dont think I'm cursed. They wrap they're little arms around me and squeeze me tight because I'm their mommaw. It that genuine feeling of love that your body has been so deprived of and you count down the days and the hours until you get to feel normal once again. There is a catch there too because those sweet loving babies that you can't wait to see, well they belong to your living child and she resents and doesn't understand how her children could love so much the mother she has been burdened with. Grief in its ugly painful shape not only takes our child but it takes the way others see us and it transforms us into a perception of the worst. Only the innocent to young to understand have the ability to see who we really are. To everyone else we become a destorted figure of who we once were. Over time you begin to see your self the same as those around you. Weither it's your living children, parents, siblings, spouse. It must be true you hear the talk they can't all be wrong right. You must be this horrible person they speak of. Grief has robbed you of the ability to know who you are. The worst pain imaginable has truly taken away your sense of knowing. You become reliant on your small circle to shape how you see yourself. It's not their fault and I have never walked a day in their shoes. They still have their children so I have never seen grief from the outside looking in from a front seat view. My first walk with grief was by the hand. So I dont blame them nor do I judge them for the way they now see me or treat me. I'm sure that I have deserved it all. The death of my son has without a doubt been a journey through which I've had little control. My behavior has been an all time low. Guess what world? My son dieing killed me. The pain surreal. But I'm still here and I still love and I still feel. I still need. I'm not a monster. I would give my life for his then and I would give my life for his today. I still love him and miss him everyday. It does not mean that I dont love you too. I do. But if those two babies can love me why can't you! Here is some insight to the grieving parent that you aren't willing to hear. At the end of the dark tunnel of despair is a life that you have no conception of. The life before it's gone, the person you were before that's right it's all gone. Nothing is familiar and fear is all that you can feel. You stand there and nothing is the same, you can feel the world turning beneath your feet and you can see changes happening before your eyes and you can't get your grip and you know mentally you have too. But you can't. You can see and you can hear, you know what is being said but your control is gone. You know it's gone because it's the first reality faced while standing at that coffin staring down and seeing the cold lifeless body which was once you full of life child. Shock erases the events of the next few year's. And we can't even recall a single moment of what has taken place. The day shock let me go I felt it melt off my body like a slow melting boulder of ice. I wept so hard that day because that's when the pain set in. So please stop calling me mean. You haven't the slightest clue what I've been through. I dont exspect you to know what it has been like. And I'm sorry if I did something during that time that caused you pain. It wasn't intentional though you may think that it was. I probably do not even know what occurred. There are so many years that I dont remember. In reality that's probably the only mirracle I was afforded through the whole thing. I guess that's how the brain protects its self. Or that's what I've been told. All I know for sure is that I was standing at the coffin and then 8 years had past. So your holding against me what I can't even recall. It has taken me the next few years to try and get my balance and to face the reality of who you now say that I am. I know you've had to be burdened with me and I'm sorry beyond words. I know you can't imagine that I dont even know what I've done to cause you to feel about me the way you do. But I dont. I kept a journal through some of my grief and I can't bring myself to read it.. I'm afraid that if I do I could be made to remember and honestly just like you who doesn't want to know how it feels I dont want to remember God saw fit for me to block those years and I dont want to change that. I do hope that in time you will forgive me. I do love you and I'm sorry. It was the darkest days of my life. I pray you never experience what I've been through. And I'm not the person I was during that time. Please give me a chance. Close
I miss you as much today as the day you left!  / Mom   Read >>
I miss you as much today as the day you left!  / Mom
I sit by your grave today exhausted from the journey of my life without you. It seems the harder I've tried to move forward the more I've had to realize I haven't moved at all. My heart is still broken and you're not coming back and no amount of suffering will ever change that fact. I go through my days pretending that I'm okay when in reality I'm a total mess. I'm afraid I'm worn out exhausted inside and out from all the loneliness in my life I'm just looking for a graceful way to finally exit out, stop these tears from falling down my face every day of my life. Grief is the most destructive emotion that I've ever felt. It's been to long since these sore eyes have seen your beautiful face. I love you Matt I always will. Love, Mom Close
I miss you just the same!!  / Momma   Read >>
I miss you just the same!!  / Momma
I thought that time was healing
All the hurt you left behind
That empty spaces could be filled
My arms, my heart, my mind
And though my body looks the same
As it did when you were here
The emptiness is growing
Even bigger with each year

I thought that time was healing
All the agonising pain
That as the tears were fading
Soon I wouldn’t feel the same
And though I can be smiling
And you think that I’ll survive
The pain is in my blood now
I have nowhere else to hide

I thought that time was healing
All the loss a mother feels
That now you live within my heart
I had you near me still
But I need so much to touch you
To see you smile again
And those memories I’m told are mine
Can never feel the same

I thought that time was healing
All the while the mask was worn
That underneath a new me
Was waiting to be born
But now I find I am the mask
It helps to keep me safe
And though my heart is breaking
You won’t see it in my face

I thought that time was healing
All those tears my eyes have seen
That aching arms that miss you
Could be satisfied with dreams
But here I am, in pain again
And healing stands alone
And mother weeps, the world can see
For a son who can’t come home
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miss you  / Natalie Miller (friend)  Read >>
miss you  / Natalie Miller (friend)
Matt most people dont know who i am but you were my first kid love lol, you gave me butterflys every time we were about to hang out. I still remember calling your house and your grandmother would always pick up and i was so scared of her even though i never met her lol. She would say hes not here even if you were. when i moved i was so sad very sad. Every time i came into town we hung out and i was always so excited. You were a very special person to me more then you ever new. The last time i came into i had a boyfriend and you had a girlfriend. If only i would have known it would have been my last time see you, i would have tryed to hang out. I think about you every day and wish i could just say hi, or how you are doing? You were such a amazing person and you ment a lot to me. Even though we were so young you had a very special place in my heart always and forever. You will forever be missed and i will always remember how sweet and amazing person you were. Love always nat Close
2011 Walk For Life Memorial Walk  / Mom   Read >>
2011 Walk For Life Memorial Walk  / Mom

It's that again time for the 2011 Walk for Life Memorial Walk being held on Oktober 8th at Tribble Mill Park in Gwinnett County.  For Matthew's family it will mark the 5th year that we have had to live without him.  The journey has been very long and painful but the memories that he imprinted upon our hearts have been everlasting and though time has continued to pass nothing has changed the love that we feel for him every single day.

 

We look forward to sharing this day with the unfornate many parents whom like us have had to learn to live without their life without their child or their children.  The purpose for this day to us will have many meanings.

 

1. It allows us as grieving parents to come together and share the lives of our children. 

2. It offers healing for us and allows us to know that we are not all alone.

3. It allows us as greiving parents to impact the number of us who will be impacted by the loss of a precious child due to an autombile accident by speading the word and raising enough funds to allow the TVIP Organization to continue reaching out to our teens through so many different ways. 

 

Your support matters and your donation could just be the one that prevents you yourself from suffering with the painful loss of a child. I have had so many parents tell me that they hope to never suffer the way that I do.  Well my heartfelt response to them is; I hope they never suffer the way I do either but if they have children and those children are driving or soon will be driving the odds are unreal that unless steps are taken as parents to bring awarness to our children and their driving habbits the odds are that they will.

 

As parents it is our responsiblity to never put our children in vechicles that (1) have more than 4 cyclinders (2) resemble or appear to be fast race car or muscle car. (3) convertibles or removable tops (protect your childs head and body at all times protect them from the worst. (4) do all that you can to teach them deffensive driving habbits so that they know what to do when faced with an unnormal situation.

Children are just that they are children and they will push the bar they will try the impossible.  There minds have not matured and they believe they are invensible it may happen to others but hey they do not believe that it can ever happen to them.  Being a parent is work it's at times very hard there is way more involved than money if your not getting the support that you need from the other parent remove them quickly protect your child.  I didn't I thought I was doing the right thing by allowing my son to be involved with his other parent even though his other parent wasn't keeping up his end of the parent bargin my son lost his life protect your child with all you have even if it's hursts there feelings at least they'll have feeling to hurt. 

God Bless

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4th of July 2011  / Mom   Read >>
4th of July 2011  / Mom

July 4th 2011

This day should mark a day of celebration my baby's 24th birthday.  But instead it now marks a weekend of morning for the boy I so badly miss. Yesterday I spent the day missing you wishing so badly that you were here.  I washed your car went to the movies did everything that I knew you would do if you were here.  But just like all the days since the moment that you left I awoke to a silence that I could not bare.  Matthew I love you and I always will.

 

Love

Mom

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